Eccedentesiast
by Tokittoki
Summary: A smile may be a display of happiness, but it may also be a shelter and a weapon. No one knows about the secret he tries so much to hide, yet sometimes, the pain he feels is way too much and Mikey doesn't know for how long he will keep hanging on. All for the sake of their happiness. [MxR, turtlecest] A fic requested by Namekiansgottalovethem


_Soundtracks: Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie and Heavy in you arms by Florence and The Machine _

_Cover pic by Sneefee_

**A/N: I wasn't expecting this to end up so huge, yet it's here. I hope you like it, Libby. ;) The same goes to everyone who reads this. Enjoy! ^_^**

* * *

**Eccedentesiast**

Alone in his room he could let himself go without caring about someone seeing him so weak; he could freely clutch to his own plastron and pray the pain would go away. It felt as if his body was being slowly engulfed in fire, consuming his usual liveliness away. The worst part was that he _knew_ someone wasn't well, who would it be this time?

Mikey kicked himself off the bed, taking his time in front of the mirror to stare at himself. Boy, did he look like trash – clear sapphires transpiring fatigue, just like the rest of his face, tainted with a paler shade of green. Anyone would say he embodied sickness. Even so, the teen knew it was his duty as a brother to cheer up whoever was feeling down; it had always been that way.

Breathing in and out evenly with a couple of pained flinches in-between, he put on his everyday mask of exuberant happiness. A silly smile from ear to ear slowly replaced his tired grimace whereas a pair of happy-go-lucky eyes surfaced.

A shaky hand twisted the doorknob and there he was, ready to lend his shoulder to whoever was in need. Now Mikey was back on track.

And Donnie was the first on his list.

One could think the skater had no brains and that he was your average idiot – above average actually. They were right for he didn't have the brightest intellect, however it didn't necessarily mean his heart wasn't the brightest. Amongst his siblings he was the one gifted with the highest perception concerning others' feelings; Splinter often mentioned how unusually wise his pupil was.

With two turtle boys checked, it was Raph's turn. Mikey smiled at himself knowingly: something had told him from the beginning he should have been the very first on the list. It was usually like this when it came to Raph, he'd always feel worse. Above all others, the fiery ninja was the one who messed with his state the most and also with his feelings…

No one answered his quiet knocking so the younger opted to barge in, "Hey, bro …mind if I come in?"

"You're already in, aren't 'cha?" Remaining still on his seat, an unarmed Raph faced his drums. The teen then scratched the bandage rounding his arm – he had twisted it a couple of days ago out of an ugly fall while they tussled against a new mutant. Leo was the first to help him out and Mikey remembered he had glared a bit at the scene even though he shouldn't. Not in a situation where they all could have ended up buried seven-feet underground.

"So, how's your arm?"

"Donnie says it'll be fine in a week. Tch! As if I'd wait that long for a crappy injury, it doesn't even hurt that much anymore; 'sides, these bandages are driving me nuts." His left hand returned to the rubbing.

"At least you're fine! It's better than not being able to walk or havin' Muffin Mouth suckin' all your brains up like…- spaghetti!" horrified hands then crawled to his own face, emphasising his words. In his mind, he pictured a gigantic muffin who was delightedly drinking through a black straw stuck on his brother's ear. He couldn't help but to quiver at the grotesque scene his mischievous imagination daubed with several shades of red, grey and dark green.

"Muffin Mouth?" Raph uttered with disbelief.

A frown visibly showed on the red banded turtl**e**'s face and it was then when Mikey felt his soreness easing. Rejoicing on the proud feeling he was wrapped in, his lips curled. He took a hand up as if he was about to show something great; widening his eyes he said, "Yeah, one of the most terrible, hideous, smelliest villains out there!"

"You've gotta drop those freakin' comics, you know that? Ya can't sleep when ya read that stuff."

"'F course not! I don't sleep 'cause… 'Cause I'm polishing my gear, yeah; Doing it takes my sleep away." His eyelids shut as the boy folded his arms, barely looking proud for inventing such an excuse. However, the other didn't fall for that, he knew his little brother too well to buy that weak alibi.

The red masked turtle sighed, "gimme a break, will ya?"

Mikey pouted at the older teen but soon dropped it, realising he was standing on his feet. He asked where he was going, yet the other merely shrugged, informing him of his latest resolve - to train with them today. The petite panicked, swiftly dashing to the door and spreading his arms to the side; he would never allow him to do that.

"Just a week, okay Raph? Stay put for a week more and then ya'll train with us all ya want! You've already waited this far!"

Discomfort begun rising within his chest again.

"No way I'm gonna wait that long, I've had enough of waitin'. Step aside." That was an ultimatum, only he knew how much it cost him to stay still without making any efforts. Raph was a physical guy; he was born to do whatever required muscles, brute force and he positively knew he couldn't resign himself to this. Mikey's face, however remained stubbornly determined on his goal.

"Raph, I don't want you to get worse; we can't afford to lose our best soldier, you're the spirit of the team." He smiled a little, his hopes rising as he saw a pair of softening emerald eyes locked with his. "It'll be even harder if you get worse," _for me too_, he added in thought, "I don't wanna see ya with a bad arm longer than necessary. Only a week left, bro, so… c'mon…"

"I get you, Mikey," a big hand landed on his shoulder, "but this isn't something' I can't handle. It's no big deal, really."

Gently nudging the smaller aside and opening the door, Raph disappeared downstairs. Mikey let out a sigh, why was that guy such a blockhead? It was like he never listened to him but Leo, always Leo. At least he could knock some sense back into that head of his; perhaps... A shudder announced the familiar torment that – he was aware of - would begin within minutes.

Their arguing downstairs cast a pain through his chest, does it always have to be this way? Both hands shaped into enduring fists and he descended to meet with them in the dojo. Arguing voices reached his ears and he gasped, for his throat felt like it was being strangled by enraged hands.

A vision of Raph standing before a grimacing Leo and Donatello filled his eyes. Apparently they – mostly the oldest – were reprimanding the other who most likely had insisted on that stubborn idea of his.

"Would you stop being a brat, Raph?"

"I said I'm fine, why are ya all so insistent and pressing the _same damn button_ again and again?" his arms spread, in an attitude of exasperation.

"Maybe because your _examinati_-"

"Cut it out, Donnie!"

Meanwhile, the orange banded teen had silently walked his way to stand between Raph and the others; he had to calm them down. This was a ridiculous fight and they shouldn't be wasting their energy on it, it was no good for the family. They should all get along well, _without _constant arguments, _without _throwing accusations! But it seemed the word 'harmony' wasn't a part of their vocabulary.

"'c'mon, guys, chill out! We can get things sorted out if ya stop arguin'."

Nobody except the resident genius turned their eyes to him or shown any sign of knowing he was even there. Instead they preferred to carry on and resume their quarrelling.

"You're actually enjoyin' this, aren't 'cha? The back sheep ain't here so the _fearless leader_ can order around without any complaints from his followers."

Donnie cringed.

"The world doesn't spin around you, this is for your own good. As the leader, I command you to get out of here and go rest."

"Save it for the next battle…_if_ ya decide to actually _do somethin'_ 'n guide us instead of laying back and watch us all getting' almost killed."

A deep frown shaped Leo's face, "What did you say?"

_No more, enough of this! If this continues… it might be the end of us and Raph will go away. _"**Guys! Listen to me!**"

"Not now, Mikey." The older directed whereas Raph grimaced with the air that he was right.

"This is exactly what I'm talkin' about. You keep on orderin' us around and you expect to be respected? Respect us first and then we might give you some credit. Also, keep the toughness to the battlefield, 't's useful there."

"Raph, you should do what Leo 's sayin', what _I_ told ya. Stay still for just a week, we know how hard it is… for you to just watch us practicin' and goin' out for patrols when you wanna do that stuff with us. I know how hard it is… So just…." He smiled, patting the older teen's shoulder sympathetically. "Do it, for the team, if that isn't enough, for me, your little bro, okay?"

A heavy sigh left the hot-headed mutant and he gave up, throwing his hands to the air as he turned away from them. "Fine!" he groaned. Within seconds he was out of there, leaving a tense ambiance behind. The oldest of them continued digging his fingers in his palms fiercely, until known fingers rubbed his head.

"Leo, you gotta keep your cool, dude. Yanno it wasn't your fault, Raph 's just frustrated, he wanted us to defeat that guy."

"Happens that he should know too well where his frustration can take him …and us."

Mikey smiled bitterly, "I know."

Their master entered in the dojo. All bowed and assumed their positions on the tatami carpet, waiting for Splinter to tell them which skill they would develop today. During the training session Donnie noticed two unusual things – Leo's pent-up vexation and the orange's great diversion.

In fact, the cheery turtle was scolded various times – many more than normal - for not staying focused. How could he when his mind kept returning to the fiery turtle, worrying about what he was doing and if he really did listen to what he suggested to him before. The pain he felt on his upper body didn't benefit his concentration, but he tried his best anyway.

He never gave a serious thought to it, if Raph were to abandon the lair, what would remain of him?

No one to look up to.

No one to lend him a comforting hand when he most needed.

No one to dream of.

He was sure his heart would shatter itself and his health would drop severely, he'd fall apart with no one else to fix him up. Raph was the only one capable of doing so, but he couldn't if he wasn't there. This was why he struggled to keep him happy and above all, why he couldn't tell him about his illness …if it could be named that way… The skater knew he would slip away, far from his reach only to avoid wounding him further. But it was the inverse! He'd be down in the dumps if he left him because of such an idiocy.

The freckled turtle had two other siblings that cared a lot for him, yet… they weren't Raph. They'd never be able to fill the hiatus left. Mikey had grown up idolizing his older brother, despite being aware of his flaws. The rough turtle had been his world ever since he knew himself and he couldn't, _just couldn't_ let go of that.

Everyone has their cross to bear with and his were his brothers. Not that he didn't love them, he would do _anything _for them, however, when one of them felt down it reflected on his own body in the least desirable form. It had always been like this, but he managed to hide his suffering away from the others. Mikey had a hard time doing so as his distress had been worsening after he found he had feelings for Raph. His pain doubled whenever he wasn't well.

Still, he must hide it and keep it all locked inside.

Just because it was his cross, it didn't' mean anyone had to know about it. In fact, it would be better if they remained ignorant forever. They'd think he was puny and worse, he would worry them. It wasn't a part of Mikey's plans to be on their preoccupations' list when they already had so many.

After a tiresome patrol to understand what the new mutant was planning to do, the three siblings returned home safely. Each followed their way after stepping in: Leo rose to his room to meditate before finding rest beneath his covers; Donnie locked himself in his workshop to try and fix his buddy, Metalhead. As for the freckled teen, he assaulted the fridge with a colossal need before drifting to bed. As he reached the top of the stairs, he decided to check on Raph first. After pulling his earphones off, his pupils noted a peaceful bulge on the bed, rising and falling serenely - fortunately he was asleep. A small smile flashed on his lips and he walked to his primary destination.

Finally it was time to get some rest, that day had felt terribly long. The dragon-patterned sheets rose above him, only to be pulled back down harshly and adjusted to his jaw – he didn't like to sleep with his neck exposed. A weary breath was allowed to skid across his lips.

The thought of Raph pretending to be asleep never crossed his naive mind. Much less that he'd sneak into the living room to train on his punching bag, trying his best not to be heard. The theory of having one of his siblings or Splinter waking up could ruin his only chance of doing some exercise.

On the following day, Mikey woke up on a rush for he had to prepare breakfast for everyone. With a small groan, Donnie walked in the kitchen and pulled his usual chair, murmuring a sleepy 'Morning' to the cook at service. A pancake swooped then flipped in the air with mastery.

"Cooking pancakes today?"

"Yup! With honey for toping!" Mikey sung.

The taller replied with a grunt, pushing his hand further onto his cheek, elbow posed on the broad, sleek table. Not much after, their oldest sibling joined them with a 'morning' on his lips.

"Have you seen Raph?" Donnie asked, merely lifting his eyes to the blue.

"No, maybe he's resting."

"Then let him be, it's better than having him all whiny and grumbly about how he can't do anything." Donnie advised and they began their meal as soon as the cook placed three plates with a tower of appetizing pancakes, whishing them a _bon appétit_.

"Mn, you overdone yourshelf today, Mikey."

"When was the last time ya saw me not overdoin' myself, huh, Leo?" His elbow poked said boy who almost let his fork fall. Ignoring the annoyed glower, the skater's mouth opened to the awaited sweet flavour. A piece of it slid on his tongue causing him to shut his eyes, absolutely marvelled with his own success.

"So, guys, I found important stuff about Spittan. All we know is that he's capable of controlling the elements and fuses them together. Yet I think there's a way of trapping this guy. For starters, I should do some testing, that'll take me some time. We should just patrol and hold Spittan down as much as we can for now. Without Raph… it'll be hard to tame him though."

"Yeah, that's a problem, but he'll recover soon! He's tough!"

"No, I can do it, I'll keep him in place." A green hand lifted, trying to win the argument, "We can't stay still just because he isn't with us."

"What if it happens again, Leo?" His face shaped worry.

"It won't."

"I don't wanna lose any of you," scared irises turned to the one standing up. "Leo… who'll wait for the pizza boy when we order pizza?"

Both Donnie and Leo rolled their eyes.

"Raph will be fine in a day or two. I know we need to take him down now, yet we can't without Raph. Spittan is just too strong, we can only defeat him with teamwork and you know that."

A goofy beam spread across his face, "Geez, Donnie, you're sounding like Leo." It didn't last long as he recalled his brother's recent words, "Hey, D, just now… ya said Raph would be okay in a day, but… didn't ya tell us he'd be fine in a week?"

"Actually, that was a part of my plan to keep him in place. He'd go crazy and act on his own if I gave him a shorter period of time."

Leo frowned. "Won't that happen if you do it like you're doing now?"

"Last time we told him that it would take less it didn't work."

"What about the precise time?" a shrug from the youngest boy.

"It didn't have good results as well."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that." Mikey grinned pathetically, digging his hands on his cheeks, "he totally freaked out 'n… - Mornin' lazy head!" he cheered once a familiar face showed up below the doorway.

"Lazy head my arse; Mornin'."

Raph didn't look good, _why is that? _Mikey thought to himself. Something was off with the guy and this brought a bad feeling into his mild chest.

"Did Raphie wokey with his feet out of the bed?" The orange banded teen playfully assumed.

"Shaddup, Mikey," the irritated turtle sat across his little brother, but not before jabbing his arm. Brown irises observed him suspiciously, noticing how he flinched when he sat.

"How's your arm, Raph?"

Green eyes lifted for a second. "Fine. Mikey, pass me some pancakes."

"First, say pleaseeee."

"Only in your dreams."

Feigning that was a nicely worded request, the youngest stood on his heels and to fetch a plate for him. His brother wasn't right, he felt it on his chest and this time it wasn't just his sixth sense working, a twinge was already forming on it. He heard Donnie urging Raph to pass by the workshop later so he could check on him. The other countered it wasn't necessary, insisting on the idea when the slender turtle continued augmenting on how he needed to probe him. Such resistance captivated Leo's interest.

This unforeseen shift of atmosphere, it felt as if they were under an imminent thunderstorm…

"Why don't you want Donnie to check up on your arm? Are you hiding something?"

"'cause there's no need to be always checking it and why the hell would I hide anythin', oh, fearless one?"

That simple statement shaping aggressively was more than enough to confirm his suspicions. Numerous possibilities crossed the blue ninja's mind. "Keep the bad mood to yourself, Raph."

Meanwhile, Mikey handed over the pancakes he carried and tried hushing them with silly words. "'T's not like Raph is on Muffin Mouth's side, of course he isn't hiding anythin' so don't spill your ham, bro."

"I give you three seconds to tell the truth."

"Listen, I didn't do anythin' so why d'ya keep on insisting 'bout—"

"Spill." That stern voice infuriated the other.

"Who d'ya think you are? I ain't got nothin' to say; especially to you."

"Raph, if everythin's fine then it should be okay to just see your arm, right? We're just worried about'cha, dude." A wise voice spoke up, winning the boy's attention. Mikey beamed reassuringly at the red-banded boy when he faced him, causing Raph a slight lift of tension. He never noticed the real reason though; he believed it was just because his focus was being averted from the blue.

"Meet me in the workshop after you finish breakfast."

"I'm tellin' you, you won't find anythin' different. Don't mess your panties, I'll go as soon as I'm done." He dug his fork deep in his meal, "Otherwise I won't have any peace." The short tempered ninja murmured under his breath.

Donnie and Leo left the division to the other two who prevailed quietly. Upon noticing he was being observed for a while, Raph grumbled why he was gazing at him. Yet the orange masked teen shrugged it off with one of his twerpy smiles, coming up with the excuse that he had dishes to wash.

"Otherwise I'd be reading the new issue of 'Monsters in the sewer', can't wait 'till I lay my eyes on that beauty!"

"'n you won't be able to sleep again."

A huff, "'F course I will, 'm not a kid who's afraid of monsters", Mikey shuddered, "…even if they live in the sewers," and his voice raised an octave "…with us."

"You're always the same, just don't wake me when you get inside my bed."

The taller sighed, this happened often when the idiot that was his brother read those comics, which were pretty stupid and uninteresting in his opinion. It didn't make sense how Mikey was seriously afraid of what he read for they dealt with mutants almost every day; they themselves were viewed as such.

Now all he had to do was facing the trouble he knew was waiting for him at that workshop. It never was his intention to worsen the state of his arm, it was just that he couldn't bear it any longer. Being near them and wanting so badly to train, to help them, to kick some arse! He was made for that and now, more than ever, Raph felt like killing that mutant that almost erased them all. If only he hadn't messed up, if only their leader had done something!

o-o-o

"_What do we do now, Leo?" Mikey shouted but Leo didn't move a muscle. _

_They had never seen a mutant like this, they never saw a mutant spitting fire and ice, controlling the air as well as the earth. All the elements were against them. They were bruised, exhausted from fighting Spittan who seemed completely untouchable. _

_The blue banded teen could only stare as the guy wrapped a ring of stone around the genius' neck. He knew Spittan wanted to crush him and he could without applying much effort. Mikey was thrown past him, crashing against a wall noisily. Raph jumped to the brown eyed turtle in effort, yet the other mutant shoved him away as humans shoo flies. Suddenly it was as if they were all very fragile. _

_He was failing them. _

_He wasn't born to be a leader._

_Leaders take action and take their subordinates toward a good path whereas he just stood there frozen. _

_He didn't seem to be able to do anything and that guy was crushing Donnie right in front of his eyes. _

"_Leo, fight, do somethin'! We can''t lose Donnie!" Raph screamed right beside his ear, but the other didn't seem to listen. In fact, the red seemed to be far away, too far. _

"_I…" _

_Splinter shouldn't have agreed to his request. _

"_I'm the only one who can kick my brother's arse, got it?" A voice came from above, Mikey opened his eyes to see Raph jumping off a building to attack Spittan and be jostled by a wave of flying water. The red vanished from everyone's sight for a moment only to reappear and crush the ring around his brother's neck. Donnie knelt on the ground, craving for air, yet the mutant resolved to punch him and his older sibling away with his iron fists. _

"_We need ya Leo, Wake up!" Mikey yelled, trying to stand and rush to the mistreated turtles lying against the tar. "Leo!" _

_Raph stood to shake him and knock some sense back into the seemingly paralysed turtle, however, a ball of ice tossed him to a window. That finally yanked the blue banded teen from his trance. Blinking, he galloped inside the store where the other lay with fragmented glass around him. The soldier-like teen unveiled his eyes when familiar hands shook him and he let out a moan; Leo then noticed the overly awkward position his arm was in. It was arduous to watch._

"_We have to get out of here."_

"_I won't leave this fight, you can go home if ya want; I won't back down 'till I finish him." _

_The leader tried holding him when he flinched in pain, but the short-tempered mutant shouldered him aside, frustrated. _

"_Can't you see how everyone is? We need to get back and plan a new strategy."_

"_Is it even worth it? It'll all blow when we confront him."_

"_I don't want any of you to die!"_

_These brusque words appeared to clean the emerald eyes off their fury and he searched for the others. Mikey was helping the taller male walking as he was limping a tad, but it still was noticeable. Where is that damn mutant? His silent question soon was replied by a vision of a monster pursuing his younger brothers. Raph didn't think twice; laying hold of his sai, he launched himself at the enemy. His head didn't twist when Leo called after him and he never noticed two different pairs of eyes following his movements._

"_**Raph!" **__Mikey shrieked when he heard something cracking. He absorbed the images as if they were playing in slow-motion - his brother being held high and thrown heavily to the floor, his bending body, his sustained cry. His legs trembled and he felt he was going to faint out of the excessive soreness consuming him. Nevertheless, Mikey wanted to deny his state and take him out of there. Although Leo was the first to take action and when he noticed, they were back to the lair. Their leader had been carrying a smoke bomb with him._

o-o-o

Raph sat on a chair as the scientist moved around him, fetching the needed tools to examine his arm. The frown Don carried didn't sound good, most likely he had already discovered about his injury's condition. Leo and Mikey stood on the floor, away from the doctor and his misbehaved patient. Whereas the blue banded boy glared at him sternly, the other scanned the several containers and test tubes showing funny colours. His worry, however, forced his eyes to voyage to the injured turtle – whatever bad happening was going to occur, it wasn't far, his aching muscles told him so.

"What did you do with your arm?" Finally standing before him, a pair of light green arms folded, awaiting a reply, "you are much worse than before."

The spectators rose in a dash whereas Raph clamped his fists, exasperated.

"What did ya do, Raph?" the youngest stepped to him, the contours of disappointment were visible on his face, yet maybe there was a reason for his actions.

Lifting his face to Donnie, he confessed he had sneaked off to the living room while they were sleeping, "I was tired, I wanted to do somethin'. I wanted to… dang! I wanted to be useful to you and train so we could defeat that guy. Yanno I can't stand-"

For some reason his eyes didn't meet Mikey's as he uttered those words and that hurt the petite. After all he had told him, after all of his encouragement, he still didn't listen and did something he wasn't supposed to. It was always like this, he never cared about what he had to say, he never gave him credit just because he was the youngest. Even though he was childish, Raph often broke the records. Leo cut him off before he opened his mouth, grabbing onto Raph's good arm. His fingers dug deep in the skin, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Cut it out! I don't want to hear your excuses!"

"Here comes the fearless leader, what are you going to tell me this time, oh great one…!"

The blue ninja threw his cool side to a corner and lifted his other hand. Seconds after, the mark of his anger was printed on Raph's face – now turned due to the strength of the unexpected blow.

Two surprised emeralds narrowed at the one standing before him, "What did ya just do…?" the tone of threat was well present in his rumbling voice.

"You know how dangerous Spittan is, you know we needed you to defeat him. But you _just had_ to go to Casey's, you _just had_ to be an asshole and mess everything up again."

"Again?"

"You always act on your own and you don't care, you never care about the team."

"I don't care…? Ya tellin' me _I _ don't care?! You're the one who doesn't give a damn."

"What? The team is-"

"Now are ya gonna say you gave a damn about us back there? Ya'll say that ya were there for us?"

"And you? You could have killed us all! What if he had seen you first and stopped you? What if he killed Donnie?"

"Guys, this isn't a proper time to argue!" Donnie tried bringing both back to reality, but it was no use. He gave a sidelong gaze to Mikey who was starting to give signs he wasn't well. "Mikey? You okay?"

"Yeah, sure, why… wouldn't I be?"

It was here, the thunderstorm he feared for. The voices in front of him began rising as each argument was shot into the air. They accused each other of a crime both were guilty for, yet they were blind to their own actions. They should be together, they shouldn't argue like this! Mikey wanted to shout, to run and hide somewhere, away from the burning pain that was beginning to creep to his hands and feet.

"You know too well I was trying!"

"Trying what, Leo, **tryin'. What?** If it wasn't for _me_, we wouldn't be alive and that friggin' guy would still be here."

"Easy for you to say, isn't it, Raph? You once knew what it was like; carrying this responsibility on your shoulders."

"It's precisely 'cause I do! I know a leader can't risk other's lives!"

"What are you suggesting, that I should have died there? **I'd rather die if it meant saving your lives, jerkass!"**

Mikey staggered a bit, his brothers were blurring in front of him, he shook his head and tried regaining control over his eyes. A hand was posed on his shoulder, "Mikey, you should rest for a bit."

"I said I'm fine, they're the ones who need to chill. Guys, stop it already!"

They didn't even listen.

The purple banded teen stepped between them so they would be forced to pay him attention. **"Guys, enough!" **Raph thrusted him away to throw himself at the other; both fell and he moaned due to the sting floating in his arm. A fist then collided against his stomach and he rolled, Leo had gained his opportunity to stop him, yet he was overwhelmed by something greater and uncanny – red fury. Donnie tried his best to stop both from fighting any further, however upon comprehending he couldn't he decided to seek for their master.

The blue didn't seem to care about the other's arm anymore, as they rolled on the floor he shouted,** "Why would I care if you yourself don't give a crap? It has always been like this, you're always the one who causes us trouble."**

"**Oh, yeah?" **his knee flew up, causing Leo to cough. **"What about'cha, Lame-o-nardo?"**

"**You're always blowing everything up, don't put the blame on me!"**

Desperate, Mikey thought of something useful, _throwing them cold water could help_, he thought. With little steps he distanced himself from them and filled a bucket. His throat had gone dry ages ago and it was killing him, he could almost swear someone was strangling him from behind.

"**I should leave then!" **he heard his beloved one scream, the boy staggered as his soreness pierced him like spikes full of fluoroantimonic acid, it was like every cell of him was dying or something akin to it. He couldn't stand it anymore, the floor was lulling him, opening his arms to embrace him. Grimacing, Mikey let himself be comforted.

_Don't leave me, Raph._

Donnie and Splinter were the first to find the turtle passed out under the doorway. The others then gathered around him to carry the limp body to the workshop where the genius could analyse his situation.

"'T's our fault he's like this." The short tempered teen hurried to accuse.

"Oh so I'm the—"

"Leonardo, Raphael, this is not the time, nor the place to fight. Haven't you two had enough?"

"Sorry, sensei." Raph lowered his head, yet raised his emeralds to watch as his younger brother pressed a stethoscope against his plastron and closed his eyes. As the examination elongated his impatience grew stronger, so much he forgot about his own ache. "What's his problem?" he uttered, his tone was rubbing that one of desperation.

"It was just stress, I believe. His vital signs are normal, Mikey will be waking up soon, but in the meantime, let's give him a rest."

"I… I'll stay with him."

Donnie nodded, asking Raph to inform them when he wakes. The red assented and sat beside the table, gaze firmly fixed on his little brother's shape. What had made him faint still was a mystery to him, they had been through an unaccountable number of stressful situations and yet he never fainted during those. _Why now?_ He wondered. The smaller hand was taken into his, he was colder than usual. Why didn't Donnie notice that? A blanket, he needed a blanket to cover him. Nevertheless a tighter hold didn't let him go when he sat up. Blue eyes unveiled, a bit confused and unclear.

"Raph…? Wha… what happened?" The boy asked while zooming around and gathering all the bits before he passed out. He couldn't recall them well, yet he knew his older brothers had been arguing and then he felt a huge pain… _ah, so that was it_, his lips grimaced. They would often argue over anything and especially now that the new mutant had come into the spotlight. Mikey wasn't sure if he could endure this any longer, as much as he tried, they were never satisfied, they were never happy...

What was his role as their sibling? What could he do, aside everything he had been doing up until now? The thought killed him inside; he wasn't useful to them anymore. They were better off without him.

Mikey had reached a resolution and he wouldn't back down.

"Ya fainted a while ago, feel fine now?"

One of his hands rubbed the back of his head and he nodded, even though he was everything but okay.

"Ya scared the shell outa me, Mike, don't do that again. I'm gonna tell Donnie you're up."

"_I should leave then!"_ his pupils shrank as he recalled the last bit of the discussion.

"Raph, you're not going away… are ya?"

"Nah."

The usually cheery turtle sat, letting his legs balance freely, it would be better waiting as he feared his senses would fail him anew. The sensation that had invaded his body not that long ago didn't vanish completely, however it was much bearable than before. He thanked god it was that way.

"Time to check how you're doing."

His head turned to find Donnie pacing to him; with a smile, he said, "Ya really sound like a doc when ya say stuff like that."

"Technically I am your doctor, um, I'd like to be with Mikey alone for a while. Mind waiting outside for a bit?"

"If it's just stress then it'll be fine stayin', right?"

"More privacy, please."

Raph clicked his tongue out of irritation, but turned anyway. Leo and Splinter followed him and then retreated to the dojo.

"Why did you tell 'em that?"

"So you won't be troubled."

"Huh?"

"Never mind," paler green hands searched for his stethoscope whereas he inquired his brother about his current symptoms.

"No, my head doesn't hurt anymore; it hurts a bit here though…"

"Hum… your pulse is normal, a tad quicker, yet in the right limits. Let's do you an echocardiogram, so I can be sure. Come with me." They paced into a smaller room, full of devices, "Lay down while I turn this on."

"How can ya check my heart with that thing?"

"This ultrasound can sense your heart past your plastron; I built it up so it can be used by us." A smile formed on the teen's lips. "Now let me focus."

Mikey allowed his brother to work as he wished, replaying the scenes he watched. Their voices were so angry and loud and all he did was feeling unwell and faint. Yet even if he tried, he was out of gas to do anything. His crisis was so exhausting he felt like garbage after. No, he didn't want any of this anymore, it was sickening. A place to stay wouldn't be hard to find as he wasn't an exigent guy. On a sheltering roof or inside an abandoned building; he'd bring his stuff inside so it'd be more homely. Yeah, he'd do just that.

The purple told him he was fine, however recommended him to rest for the day. Tomorrow he'd be better.

Apparently Raph had been overhearing their conversation as he immediately opened his magazine as to pretend he was distracted. Lifting from the floor, he rounded his little brother's neck while his left fist rubbed his head. "How did it go?"

Mikey opened his mouth to answer but the genius cut him off, "your turn, Raph." He demanded him to step in and so the stubborn turtle did, grumbling inaudible words on the short way there.

Either it didn't take him long or the orange-banded ninja was too distracted to notice the time flowing by. Leo, as well as his father had returned from the dojo with serious faces, apparently his older brother had been told to calm down a bit. They asked him how he was, he answered a half-truth.

"As I was sayin' before, how did it go?"

He barely jumped, understanding Raph was back from the workshop.

"D' said it was just stress."

"Thankfully, there is nothing to worry about." Splinter remarked, "You should rest, both of you."

"Yeah, sensei, see ya all tomorrow. Raph, ya comin?""

With a nod, they walked up the stairs that led to their respective rooms.

"There was no reason to push us off there. That bastard… I'll stay with you so you won't spend the day reading scary comics."

"Huh? Is it mornin' already?"

"Ya slept longer than ya think, silly. 'sides, Donnie took a while there with my arm. Now, let's go."

"Thanks Raph , but—"

"Want me to seal your mouth with a fist? Shut up 'n follow."

His poor heart pumped unsteadily as Mikey let himself be guided to his bedroom. He was too aware of his brother, his arm fractioning around his neck, their legs touching from time to time, even his breathing rhythm. It was all too dizzying; he couldn't even get his words straight. Before he'd get goosebumps just from their hands' casual brushing but over time he learnt how to deal with it. Usually he wasn't this aware of Raph's touches yet he wasn't used to this level of proximity. Mikey wished he could wrap his hands around him too and smooch his lips all he wanted. Cuddle, hold hands and say stupid things like 'stay with me forever.' Those romantic movies made sense after all. In a way…

The worst of it all was that whenever this happened, whenever he let his guard down, he had to supress his feelings toward Raph. If he told him then he would be left alone, Raph would eventually understand why he felt ill and would distance himself far beyond his reach. It's not like Raph felt the same for him…someday he might be able to forget him, even if it took him years, Mikey knew he could forget.

"—ikey, hey, dumbass!"

A hard punch against his head brought him back to where he was.

"Huh?"

"Go to bed 'n sleep, I'll wait here 'till you do."

Tired hands lifted the covers so his hefty body could accommodate itself between them, big blue eyes turned up, "You gonna stay where?"

"On the floor, where else d'you want me to stay, idiot?"

Since this was his last day there, he was allowed to suggest something bold, right? "Sleep with me for today." The last times they shared a bed he never asked to slide in, instead, he'd just barge in Raph's personal space as the latter slept. Mikey was aware that the grumbly ninja would complain about it when he woke up in the middle of the afternoon. 'You have your own bed, don't you?' he usually groaned, nevertheless he'd let him stay there with him.

"I _ain't_ gonna—" Mikey tried convincing with his puppy eyes, "not gonna happen, Mikey."

"It's cold 'n you're warm."

A frown was followed by a darkening shade of green, "how come yanno that?"

"'cause your arm was warm when ya touched me, duh!" A smile the red was familiar with rose, together with a childish 'please'.

As if he was lulled by him, Raph found himself sputtering at the other to roll over so he could lie there too. Quietly, both closed their eyes and mused over nothing as the situation was strangely embarrassing to Raph, yet heavenly to the other.

"Remember when we were kids 'n I had nightmares?"

"What about it?"

"You'd do what you're doin' now."

"Oh, guess I remember that, ya used to cry like a _baby_."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Not." Mikey wanted to say it with a frown, but his lips curled up in the end. "Night, Raph."

"Night."

Not much after, the orange banded teen fell into a slumbering state, free of nightmares as he had his beloved one near him. As for the other, he stared at the sleeping boy nestling his head on his shoulder.

Why was he so distressed, why did he look dejected after the incident? Donnie said he was all right and all he required was some sleep, so… there wasn't any need for him to be so sad. He reached for the blanket to cover the other some more, cursing him a thousand names whereas his mind kept leaping from one idea to the next one.

"Don't go, Raph…" an arm firmly enveloped his waist. This was so odd of him, he told him he wasn't going anywhere, so what was with that— "Don't go away with my burritos, I'm dead-hungry."

"Once a pea head, always a pea head…"

As he stared, his green eyes turned out to be strangely fascinated at how peaceful Mikey looked while holding him. He had always been overprotective with his little brother and that feeling felt too right. It was like… he wanted to always be there and be his armour; Raph didn't want anything like today's events to occur again. The feeling of being defenceless against something he couldn't control scared him. When he ran against the image of a sprawled turtle on the floor… he didn't know what to do. His mind didn't process straight thoughts. Raph had entered in a panicked state and he didn't like it in the least.

In the late afternoon he woke to an empty room and decided to check where Mikey was. Breakfast was put aside when he noticed no one was in the kitchen. An indiscrete noise then led him to the living room; two emeralds widened as he took the image of Mikey heading out with a backpack.

"Goin' somewhere?"

Mikey jumped, swallowing before turning his head to the awaiting turtle.

"I… I'm goin' out."

"With that backpack? Where's the trip and why ain't we invited?"

"Out of the lair." His body fully twirled to face his sibling, on his face posed an uncharacteristic resolution.

"What?"

"I'm leavin', Raph."

"Wha—why?"

"You don't need me anymore, I'm not useful to you – to any of you."

Raph wasn't certain of what to do, half of his mind said it was one of his pranks, the other, as well as Mikey's earnest features, told him he was serious.

"Did ya hear yourself? You're part of the team, 'f course you're useful to us. 'sides…. You're our bro."

"Well, breaking news, I'm tired of the team. I'm tired of constantly givin' my best so ya can all be satisfied."

"Raph, Mikey?"

Small steps sounded and two ninjas appeared in the shadowy room. "What was that, Mikey?" Leo crossed his arms, frowning deeply.

"I'm gonna leave the lair and there's nothin' ya can do to stop me."

"Wait, why? What happened?"

"What happened, Donnie, is that I'm tired; I'm full and if I stay I'm gonna go nuts."

"Full of what?"

"Of all of ya. You should behave like a family, yanno, like those on TV? Happy 'n caring, 'n...! All you know is fight and say mean things to each other! I don't want that for me! I don't- don't wanna be a part of that portrait."

"We can try it out and argue less, Mikey. Stay with us." His kindest sibling stepped forward carefully as not to startle him. "Won't we, guys?" brown irises looked backwards.

"Yeah, stay Mikey. I'll even buy you the latest edition of 'Monsters in the sewer' every month for a whole year."

"After tryin' so freakin' hard to make you happy…. Ya never listened to me. … I know…" he sniffled, "…it'll be all the same if I stay."

He turned and Leo rushed to him, "Mikey, stop, we'll try to sort things out."

"What's there to sort, Leo?" he jerked the hand resting atop his shoulder, "I've written a letter to Splinter, I can't say goodbye… to any of ya so just…-"

All they saw next was purple and black fume, dissolving into an empty entrance - Mikey had left them all.

"I never saw him like this…" Leo murmured to himself, sensing a sickening guilt.

"I'm goin' after him!"

"You don't know his coordinates yet, Raph but there may be a way to know…" the genius rushed off the living room.

"I'm going to tell Splinter while you locate him, talk to me if you find anything."

"Got it." The short-tempered ninja stepped in the workshop, his brother was already tapping on the keys as his computer displayed blue data. He then plugged something to it and a map showed together with a sound icon. Without thinking twice, Donnie gave it a click and tuned it in the right frequency. The static noise came out too irritating to Raph's ears.

"I managed to attach a radio sensor to his inner shell in case something happened. I hope it's working nicely."

"Why would ya do that?"

"I have my reasons. Ah, I've got him!" Their faces ceased cringing as the clean sound of Mikey arose. They heard something unfamiliar though, he rarely cried and now the only sound present was his deep sobbing mixed with heart-broken sniffles. Alarmed with the scene, Raph unconsciously inclined his body toward the stereo.

"Where is he?"

"Hmmm…. The sensor isn't responding well, it's too slow…! I'll give you the coordinates as soon as the radio device gives me the exact place he's in."

"_They should take care of each other like I take care of 'em. They should love each other just like I love 'em…! Why does it have to be this way?! __**Hnng! **__Dang__**…**__" _The voice on the other side abruptly weakened, outlined by pain. Raph winced, theorising on what could have happened to him. It all became unsustainable when the moans grew stronger and erratic,

Sitting up in a flash he barely shouted, "What's wrong with him!"

"About that, Raph…"

Green eyes desperately searched for his younger brother who had a sorrowful expression. "Do you know anythin'? What's goin' on with him?"

"I know," he sighed, locking his irises with the screen in front of him, "Actually, I've been suspicious until yesterday."

"Cut the crap, what happened to Mikey?!"

"He's got a health condition that even I don't know what it is, nonetheless I—"

Two hands flew to his shoulders, "Tell. Me. Now."

"I will if you let me." Donnie took them off him calmly, yet with a spark of irritation. "He is very connected to each one of us and that is reflexed in a kind of mirror touch synaesthesia." Seeing the other's confusion, he explained further, "when someone close to you hurts their foot, you feel the same even though your—"

"I got it, so he's got that synaesthesia thing?"

"Close; it only applies to the physiological side – when someone is upset or angry, he feels physical pain."

"How…" _how could I be oblivious to that? Yesterday, he collapsed because of us…_

He should have known right from the start! What kind of sibling was he if he wasn't aware of what now appeared plain obvious to his eyes?

"He hid it from us most likely because he didn't want us to pity on him or treat him any differently; it goes along with his character at least. I always kept an eye on him just to be sure, that's why I secretly hid the radio sensor."

"H…how – how come I didn't notice?"

"It's not that easy to notice, you know? In the end, he's an eccedentesiast, in other words, someone who hides behind a fake smile. Mikey did it whenever he felt pain so we'd never know. He did it because he wanted to make us happy."

"He knows us, he didn't have to-"

"It's precisely because he know us, he was merely trying to take our bad feelings away, either sorrow or anger. Especially when it came to you, he always tried his hardest."

"Me? Why me?" he asked, incredulous.

"You'll have to ask him that when you meet him."

A loud howl reached them through the stereo, _"Why did ya have to force me to this…? I have always loved ya the best I could…I always tried so hard for you… __**Haah!**__" _

"Why is he like this now? We ain't near him."

"Probably he's remembering our arguments or maybe because you're not…"

"_Raphie…"_

Even if Donnie said anything he wouldn't be able to listen as that simple name absorbed his focus, like a black hole. He could only listen to the soreness coming from the stereo. An unbearable urge to go after him clogged his mind.

"He's in Chinatown, I sent the location to your T-phone, go."

"Why didn't ya tell me earlier?!" He shot out of the lair to encounter his baby brother.

Raph was angry at himself, for never understanding, for underestimating him, for taking him as a fool, for not giving him the credit he deserved. Mikey was constantly struggling to keep them all close to each other, like the happy family he mentioned. However, he was too busy blaming Leo, too busy focusing on his irritation, on himself to even notice. He felt like punching himself for that.

Mikey was there whenever he was down in the dumps, whenever he was furious at something. The guy had always been there to lend him an ear, a hand, a shoulder when he was in need. Always aware of his necessities, he only approached him when the others weren't present, so Raph could let his frustrations out without guilt. Then Mikey would pretend nothing happened, treat him like the tough guy he was so the fiery turtle wouldn't be ashamed for showing his vulnerabilities. Above all the others, he was the most considerate of his feelings.

"_Raph, I don't want 'cha to get worse; we can't afford to lose our best soldier, you're the spirit of the team."_

Constantly praising and concerning about him, looking up to him like he was a kind of hero even though he wasn't. He never considered himself as such.

Heart thumping louder as he neared his, now longed, brother, the ninja was beginning to understand a handful of things.

When they met he wanted to embrace him and keep him under his sheltering wing, he wanted everything to be okay. Raph would build that dream world Mikey ached for, or he'd at least try. It was possible to have a more peaceful environment at home; he'd try and calm down for him, even if it was slightly. In front of him, he'd never have to fake another smile for his beam would transpire pure joy.

The thought of being able to be the one causing him such happiness turned his heart warmer and something he never suspected before arose. How darn oblivious could he be?! Not only was he unaware of Mikey's feelings but of his own as well.

Raph knew he had to pour his self out which would be humiliating. Mikey could never feign nothing happened like the previous times when he let his anguishes flow free. What he was about to do would morph their relationship forever and it was in the orange's hands to decide whether he wanted to take another step or not. It would cost him his pride, yet Mikey already had done so much, this was the least he could do – be frank and straightforward with his feelings.

Red lights and shiny billboards mixed with the black and yellow shades of the agitated night. His T-phone showed he was near, but still he had no sight of Mikey. Raising both hands to his mouth, he called out his name several times until a shaky voice answered back. Hopping from a roof, the red banded ninja settled on a veranda of a decaying building.

Feebly, he bid, "Go home, I'm not comin' back."

"Shut up," Raph swiftly wrapped his arms around the goofy teen, "I was dead worried about 'cha." When he thought about proceeding, a flashback reminded him that they were being listened. "Stand up 'n turn."

"What?"

"Do it."

Still not understanding the motives that would make Raph demanding something this odd, he twisted. The other shifted nigher, bringing a blush to Mikey's cheeks whereas a pair of dark hands crawled into his inner shell, finding the small object. Once found it was crushed it and tossed away.

"What was it?"

"I saw a bug, goin' inside your shell."

With this, future questions were dismissed. Sitting beside him, Raph asked if they could talk. The younger displayed resistance, yet let him continue anyway. Setting his gaze on a random street sign, Raph chose his first words.

"I'm here 'cause I think ya need an apology…for several things. I was selfish, I didn't know- more like I didn't notice a couple of stuff that has been happenin'."

He sighed once bewildered eyes came into view, Raph knew it would be hard.

"What I mean is that I'm sorry for not givin' you the credit ya deserve, you're an idiot, but 'cha can say some wise things from time to time." The red smiled shortly, "I know I made mistakes and the guys too, yet, we're nothing without you, Mikey. Stuff gets pretty darn serious when you're not around. I know, I know ya weren't away for that long; however I can't imagine us without you there. You said I was the team's spirit, but I'm not, you are." He raised a fist to Mikey, nevertheless the orange didn't mimic him.

"Shoulda thought of that earlier."

"Yeah, we should, _I_ should." Stretching his back, he proceeded, "yanno, sometimes it takes a cold shower to see straight. When I saw ya leavin' it felt like I was under cold water, bro and that made me realise a lot of things I was oblivious to. Now I know what you have been through - the pain 'n all."

Mikey suddenly felt like hiding in his shell, what was he thinking of him? Did he regard him with pity?

"How did you know that?"

"A bird told me. What you did was really brave and also really stupid."

"Hey!"

The opened mouth shut as a hand held his, "Shut your mouth 'n listen: It was brave 'cause you've endured a lot though a long time and took care of us. But it was stupid 'cause ya knew ya could open yourself with me. How many times did you lend me your ear?"

"Not many." Mikey shrugged, looking down.

"I know but to me it's like it happened a ton of times, yanno I don't let my feelings out that often."

"Yeah."

"But when I do, you're the one I go for."

Flushed cheeks soon showed, Raph smiled at that, therefore they darkened further. The boy averted his eyes to somewhere safe as he allowed his trembling heart to breathe. Mike could tell the other was different, in with way though was what he had to discover.

"I'll try to keep my cool from now on, if ya return with me, but I'm sayin' it right away that I can't do miracles. Also, don't smile when you don't feel like it. At least when you're with me, smile 'cause ya want to and not 'cause ya want me to be happy."

"If I don't, then I can't ease your sadness. I have to keep beaming for ya."

A hand reached for his chin, obliging the skater to stare at his big brother, "Ya'll make me happier if you're true with what you feel. I wanna make you feel better too." The boy's head was abruptly dizzy with all those words, what was Raph saying all of a sudden? What was with that weird stare of his?

His infinite questions died on the moment Raph's lips brushed against his, unexpectedly gently. He was glad that the short-tempered turtle was holding his jaw, otherwise his head would tumble somehow. It was all so scary yet, great and exciting that Mikey couldn't refrain a gleeful tear from sliding across his face.

Kissing him for hours, he wouldn't mind that…

"Geez, Mikey, gimme a sec to breathe... Wanna kill me right off the bait?" The ever familiar grumble filled his ears and he gave him what he asked before – a honest beam. A knock on the shoulder was his reply. "So… are we comin' home now or not?" Raph stood up, taking a hand to rub his navel, eyeing the other with a satisfied smirk.

"Yeah, we're comin' home."

Weeks passed ever since that morning. The family was struggling to avoid arguments and trained restlessly to fight against Spittan who had been causing a ruckus on the city. Raph's arm was like new, meaning he didn't have an excuse to keep Mikey from his flying hugs whenever he felt like it – which was pretty much often.

"Raph, come here, I want my mornin' kiss"

"Haven't you had enough already? I kissed ya ten minutes ago, that counts as a 'mornin' kiss'!" He barked from the couch, legs crossed, awaiting his lover with a fist in case he needed, "I ain't givin' you any."

Mikey had other plans, leaping to the couch, he whined, "it was still early mornin', 'n early mornin' doesn't count as mornin'. C'mon!"

Pushing the other's face away, Raph groaned heavily, "Does not."

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Leo and Donnie shared a cup of tea. After posing his cup on the table noiselessly, the leader inquired, "Did Mikey show any signs of pain since that day?"

"No, he says he doesn't know how, yet all the pain he felt is completely extinguished."

"Sensei said it must have something to do with his Anahata chakra. He was hiding his emotions behind his grins and the energy didn't flow well. His feelings for Raph may have helped too. Mikey knows we'll accept him in any way, he feels more secure now, I guess."

"I see, that partially makes sense."

"Partially?"

"You know I'm more of a theorist than anything else."

A loud metallic noise coming from the living room interrupted their conversation. Briefly exchanging glances, they ran to see what had happened, ending up amused at what they found. Raph had trapped the other's arms with his sai and the younger was flushing rather cutely.

"I'm only gonna say this once, so listen. I'll only kiss you when I feel like it so stop demanding kisses from me." Warning finished, Raph enclosed their distance to give him a short smooch. "Wanted a kiss? There's one."

Startled, the skater jolted his bod frantically, complaining, "Not fair, I wasn't ready yet!" However his lover turned his back on him and walked away.

"Going to leave him there, Raph?" Leo pointed at his younger brother, lips twisting into a smirk.

"He won't leave me alone if I let him go so…"

"Raph, come back here! Lemme go, this isn't fair!"

But Raph shrugged, climbing the stairs, "Won't let 'cha out 'til you've calmed down."

"Raph, come here! Raph? Raph!"

* * *

**I want to hear you out! So, what did you think of this? **

**Peace ^_^\/**


End file.
